When I started working with the DEA, I really tried to change my ways. But I kept finding myself in the same dark place with the same people, doing the exact same things (drinking and drugs), which were leading me to the brink of death.
I knew I had a good soul, but I was easily influenced by the world I lived in. With nothing or no one to lean on, I realized that I had to do something dramatic to save myself.
I also knew that I couldn’t defeat my demons in one day, that to do so wouldn’t be a sprint, but an old-fashioned marathon.
In 2007, the DEA saw that I was struggling after learning about the rape of my daughter, which had occurred the year before, and they released me. I had another six months until the statute of limitations was up on my drug case, but they let me go with their good wishes for my emotional health.
Then I made the hardest decision of my life. I knew that I needed to get out of Miami, that it was literally killing me, and I asked my wife Penny to please, let’s go. Let’s get out of Miami. But she didn’t want to leave her parents. She wouldn’t go.
So I decided to leave Miami without her and without my kids.
This tore at me, especially leaving my little muffin, my youngest daughter. My other daughter and sons were big enough to handle the distance, I thought.
I beat myself up about that decision all the time, but the truth is, like the flight attendant says, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can assist another, even your own child.
I can’t say that things improved much when I settled in the north. My health got worse. I’ve dealt with one thing after another over the years since I moved away, including anxiety attacks, panic attacks, major depression, seizures, you name it. I’ve been on a roller coaster ride for almost a decade. It seemed that everything I did still went terribly wrong.
I call it karma as I believe that I deserved it. I pray, like with the DEA, to be released from that soon.
Things are looking up. The seeds that I’ve been planting for years are beginning to sprout. The way I act and feel today is different.
I recently visited my favorite aunt and uncle in Miami, and they had so much love for me. It’s really amazing to feel true love. I have mentor/sisters who are just amazingly spiritual, incredible women. Love has come knocking on my heart again. I have great and responsible friends, who are my brothers. I have found my tranquility, and a patient inner peace.
And I have you. I have so appreciated your feedback and support. Thank you for reading my blog and being part of my healing.